By Joel Shultz
No cell phone, no internet, please! Would never spring for a computer
let alone say "god bless you" if you sneeze.
No e-mail, voicemail, facebook or twitter
just an old school, bare bones answering machine with splitter.
Hoarding, misering, on old cars relying.
Only if you're buying.
Just snail mail, fat tvs, living alone,
but every meal at home?
Won't travel, refuses to read,
doesn't shop, sees little need,
does his own plumbing, electrical, and gardening,
desperate to keep his arteries from hardening.
Thread-bear t-shirts, 80's shorts and slaps.
Surfs the bu, but gets only scraps.
Wouldn't know how to surf without someone behind him
will snake you within an inch as he stuffs you on a whim.
So, as a word of advice, when you surf the bu
you'd better watch your back
and always be on the look out
for dinosaur "Mad Dog" Jack!
-- Los Angeles Magazine